From This to That

When we are unaware of change, we know it happens but it does so in ways that we recognize from the rear view mirror.  When we are aware of it and want to direct it, it’s a double-edged sword.  I think of the accumulation of negative conditioning and once we become aware that it can be so deeply ingrained in us that it can feel like many if not almost every situation is speared with a tightening in the mind and in the body.  The “buts” “what ifs” and full-blown “NOs” arrive without any effort; they surface as second nature and swirl inside becoming intertwined on a cellular level.

To speak and think otherwise sounds great in theory and I want that, seeking to bypass the initial speed bumps, road blocks, retaining walls, crevasses, fortresses and mountains.  They may or may not have served at some point but now they beg to be looked at, questioned, challenged, and then leapt over, climbed upon and driven upon. 

But what is next when the language and behavior of the other side hasn’t been developed yet in the new way I seek to show up. To fill every fiber of my being up with a fresh and clean path may be too much of an expectation to have so I drag in some dirt, mud, insects along with me and I have to look at all of that as well.  I am blessed, grateful, scared, honored, fearful, strong and vulnerable seeking refuge, freedom, grace and light all in this expansive space.  Knowing it’s all temporary as our lives here are but a brief period of time when not experiencing the moment but in presence, we can savor our time here if we can be brave enough to stand it and in it without wanting it to be any other way than what it is.

Translation Not Needed

We speak so many different languages within the same tongue but we just don't seem to really hear each other and we often don't listen.  Filters, preconceptions, lack of presence, and sometimes a sheer in ability to be open.  I am accountable of demonstrating all of these at one time or another, often, more than one at a time.

What I do know is what feels vibrationally in alignment.  It is the language of Compassion, Empathy, Truth, Freedom, Ownership of feelings and actions, Understanding, Letting Go, Acceptance, Beauty, Self-Reflection, Self-Care and getting there on the road to Self-Love.

In theory, I would love to welcome in those that don't speak these languages or at least lessen the judgement and begin bridging the gap between discernment and openness with heart is a process still under construction.

Time and Time Again

Sometimes we get it right and we sail smoothly with the flow and we wonder, why can’t it always be like this as all comes together with such ease and gentleness.  Other times it’s one cluster fuck after another and we trip, stumble and stammer our way through it.  

The lesson, I believe, is to really enjoy the right here, the right now and be in the present of when we find we are flowing and at ease with ourselves and others and like wise, learn to find expansion and levity when all seems like a series of curve balls, wrench throwing, pit falling and bumps or maybe large ground swells in the road.  We sometimes need to hear time and time again, marvel at the small stuff because in the end, it turns out, it’s all small stuff.  But if we catch ourselves in the moment to be able to shift our inner landscape instead of only in hindsight, we find a sense of serenity and inevitably, we find ourselves again.

And So It Goes

The thing is...life happens. Things fall to shit, fall back together in a dance of our own footwork, conscious and unconscious manifestation and the universe’s collaboration. People get sick and die; there is separation, beginnings, endings and all of the gray areas in between in relationships.  You may fall down and fall apart.  It’s a series of breakdowns, breakthroughs and break-aways. We decide how we show up through it. Its trial and error and the spiritual cha-cha of moving forward and going back. We are hanging on by own fingernails, letting go bravely, looking pretty with plastic smiles, looking like shit and sometimes really ok with it and hitting every step between them both and its just how it goes.  And through resiliency of human spirit, we persevere. And if we don’t, we are no longer here to share about it.  To be awake is to do it with a sense of curiosity and resist the tendency for our hearts to become calloused.  Our duty is to stay open and vulnerable even when it hurts so we can fully experience our very short time here.

Why would you do that?

Why do we engage in activities we don’t enjoy? When you can’t find a single aspect of that activity or event where you can say, “Yes! This is why I attend or I enjoyed this meal even though I wanted fast food.”

If you’re in your head the entire class or session thinking, “This Sucks, I can’t wait for it to be over. “This tastes awful even though its healthy, I’m going to gag it down.” If you resist or flat out despise what you’re doing, how will you stick with it? Answer: you won’t. Your body will eventually reject it. It may do it quickly or it may take a while but we can’t fake our bodies into doing something we don’t enjoy doing. And who wants to live that way, dreading every day’s workout, dreading our meal choices. Doing something for the sake of doing it because you’re supposed to just brings more negative energy into resistance and amplifies it. Do you really think that one day you will fall in love with what you really don’t care for? It’s possible but most likely not probable. I witness every day people saying, “I really don’t like Spin but I know I have to do it.” NO you don’t have to. Try doing interval training on a treadmill or track. You really can do something else that brings you more pleasure, more joy. Investigate, find it. Don’t enjoy weight training? Lifting isn’t the only way to strengthen muscles and bones. Try a vigorous Vinyasa yoga practice. There are plenty that are free online. Don’t like kale, then why in the world would you eat it? Because “they” say its good for you? Guess what, there are other options. Take the lead in your own path of what works for you in health and wellness, not just what everyone else is doing because you’re “supposed” to. <3

Can I Get a Witness?

For those people, times, conversations, occasions when I already have it set in my entire being that I will most likely get triggered.  When my flesh seems to want to curl up and my stomach and chest contract at the thought of physically being in certain situations with certain personalities that are in such contrast to mine that it feels more than I can bear.  I ask, “Can I make a different choice in being present.  Is it possible to align myself in this circumstance in which I am finding myself in?” 

Sure, I can avoid these types of encounters all together and sometimes that is necessary but there are times in life where that’s not possible.  So then what?  How can I show up in a situation where I don’t want to show up?  I want to run and hide, or lash out or any of the other “Little Me” reactions, but then I ask, “Can I be present and just witness?  Is it possible to just sit or stand and just be?  Maybe I can even be a third party observer to the conversations of others, my own thoughts and judgments in complete curiosity and inquiry.  If nothing else, taking what feels uncomfortable and shift it to an opportunity to watch and witness in amazement and see things anew and smile inwardly in acceptance of self and others.