From This to That

When we are unaware of change, we know it happens but it does so in ways that we recognize from the rear view mirror.  When we are aware of it and want to direct it, it’s a double-edged sword.  I think of the accumulation of negative conditioning and once we become aware that it can be so deeply ingrained in us that it can feel like many if not almost every situation is speared with a tightening in the mind and in the body.  The “buts” “what ifs” and full-blown “NOs” arrive without any effort; they surface as second nature and swirl inside becoming intertwined on a cellular level.

To speak and think otherwise sounds great in theory and I want that, seeking to bypass the initial speed bumps, road blocks, retaining walls, crevasses, fortresses and mountains.  They may or may not have served at some point but now they beg to be looked at, questioned, challenged, and then leapt over, climbed upon and driven upon. 

But what is next when the language and behavior of the other side hasn’t been developed yet in the new way I seek to show up. To fill every fiber of my being up with a fresh and clean path may be too much of an expectation to have so I drag in some dirt, mud, insects along with me and I have to look at all of that as well.  I am blessed, grateful, scared, honored, fearful, strong and vulnerable seeking refuge, freedom, grace and light all in this expansive space.  Knowing it’s all temporary as our lives here are but a brief period of time when not experiencing the moment but in presence, we can savor our time here if we can be brave enough to stand it and in it without wanting it to be any other way than what it is.