Forget About What is Lurking in the Closet, Look at What Has Been Piling Up Under The Rug.

Family secrets are held closely in a dynamic that keeps shame, denial and guilt as primary motivators to keeping quiet.  Family secrets about addictions, abuse and other conditional and unloving behaviors are so deeply woven into family systems that we lose our ability to see the proverbial forest from the trees.  We all intentionally and consciously tell another, “We don’t talk about those things.”  “Oh stop being so dramatic, he is just that way.”  “Don’t cause trouble.” 

It is rampant in our homes, our communities and in our one world family both in this country and outside of this country as well.   A shining example is this election. 

I’m always confounded by the sociological dynamics that exist when that “One” person in a family or at work or any other group is that “One” where all revolves around; that difficult person that we just “deal” with.  So much power is given to someone who causes so much suffering for others.  You have had to deal with them, the Shit Stirrers,  the Instigators,  those who cause intentional drama and we just put up with it.  We tolerate it.  We justify it.  We make excuses for it. 

It runs as far and wide as the neighborhood bully, the relative who baits and needs to be heard at any cost all the way to an abuser.  We bypass them all to not make waves, to not be a target, to just get along.

In this election, we have bypassed what we know is unlikeable and unkind behavior.  We are witnessing direct illegal, unethical, immoral behavior that we have convinced ourselves is ok.  Swept under the rug.

When we disclose to another how we have been affected, abused, neglected, we are shut down, denied, disavowed and shamed and it gets swept under the rug. 

“Well, Uncle Johnny didn’t molest you dear, he is like that with everyone.  He just a touchy kind of guy.  He didn’t mean anything by it.”  More sweeping.

“Stop being so dramatic, it’s not that bad, you’ll survive.”  Keep sweeping.

“She’s not a bully.  You’re just being sensitive.  So suck it up and grow thicker skin.”  More and more sweeping.

“Locker Room talk is all that it is.  Grabbing women without their permission is just something guys do.”  - Sweep

“Trump isn’t so bad, he is just saying those things to get elected.  Once he is in Office, he isn’t going to follow up on his hateful rhetoric.” – Sweep

“His business ties aren’t going to interfere with his Presidency.”  - Sweep

“Russia was involved with hacking America’s election.” – Sweep

Racism, Sexism, Fear Mongering, Bullying, Demagoguery, Ignorance – the list goes on – Swept, Sweep and Still Sweeping.

We are not “Cry Babies” because our candidate lost.  We are so much smarter than that.  We are crying out because others choose not to want to really look at what is under that awful, dirty, filthy rug.  

“SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP”

This phrase is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my spine.  Nothing in this phrase resonates compassion, understanding, inspiration or forgiveness.  I know I have never been motivated by someone telling me to “Suck it Up,”  “Suck it In” or “Get Over It.”  Such unloving and unkind words we say to ourselves and others.

As a personal trainer and group instructor, I have never uttered these words as they don’t resonate for me.  When I hear Coaches of Sports Teams say things like “Ok, Ladies, let’s get your tampons out.” (Used as “inspiration” and “motivation” to Men’s/Boy’s teams, I cringe as a woman and an empathy.  Lovely phrase isn’t it?  Has anyone really performed better using the negative?  Possibly temporarily but is it long term sustaining? 

As I transition from some of my current work related activities to another, I am still “doing” certain activities that I am no longer passionate about.  It takes physical and mental fortitude to keep doing it, the reasons why aren’t relevant to write but my internal dialogue isn’t “SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP.”  It’s “DO YOUR VERY BEST.”  “YOU GOT THIS”  “PERFORM TO YOUR HIGHEST ABILITY BOTH FOR YOU AND YOUR CLIENT/CLASS”  It doesn’t feel easy but noticing the vibration of “SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP” or “DO YOUR VERY BEST, YOU GOT THIS.” Which feels better in your Spirit? 

The Non Holiday Holiday

As the holidays are upon us for many, the turnings in your stomach, the headaches, the backaches may have more to do with what we hold onto mentally, emotionally, psychically than the physical“workload” we place on ourselves during this season.

Having the best and highest intentions for yourself and then towards another is the quickest way to change your mood/vibe/energy from heavy/dark to finer/light, even for someone who you feel challenged by, or rather, especially with someone you feel triggered.  It’s not always easy but very possible to create emotional shifts.  At the end of the day, what are you going to choose to hold on to?   Can you observe your wave of emotions and ride on top of them to the shore or will they overwhelm you, take you under and pull you further out to sea.